"As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.”
---Dalai Lama
"Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You're able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.”
---Ralph Marston
“Love, like truth and beauty, is concrete. Love is not fundamentally a sweet feeling; not, at heart, a matter of sentiment, attachment, or being "drawn toward." Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relation with one's friends and enemies. Love creates righteousness, or justice, here on earth. To make love is to make justice. As advocates and activists for justice know, loving involves struggle, resistance, risk. People working today on behalf of women, blacks, lesbians and gay men, the aging, the poor in this country and elsewhere know that making justice is not warm...”
---Carter Heyward
“Consciousness will always be present, though a particular consciousness may cease. For example, the particular tactile consciousness that is present within this human body will cease when the body comes to an end. Likewise, consciousnesses that are influenced by ignorance, by anger or by attachment, these too will cease. But the basic, ultimate, innermost subtle consciousness will always remain. It has no beginning, and it will have not end.”
---Dalai Lama
"But letting go is hard to do because our human mind persistently wants to hold on; it has an enormous and ancient habit of holding on. In fact, holding on is all we know; holding on is literally us, and we do not want to give ourself up. Letting go feels like death and we are frightened of death because it means the end of us. And actually letting go is a kind of death- it may be literally sometimes death: we have to let go of our life sometime. But actually whether it is what we call death or just everyday letting go it really is death anyway. Every moment we have to die - every moment anyway we do die to this moment of our lives. It is gone and it will never return. If it is a wonderful moment it will go away and if it is a terrible moment it will go away in exactly the same way. Every moment dies to itself and this is how every moment of our lives takes care of itself completely; every moment contains within itself its own perfect resolution. To practice letting go is to participate with this actual moment by moment dying which is life: to let go is to join our life.
This sounds drastic in a way and I know a lot of people don’t like to hear about this kind of thing. Letting go really is dying but dying isn’t just dying: dying is freedom, release, peacefulness.
Dying means laying down the burden of our life and going off into the mountains for a big hike, just wandering around, like a cloud. Dying means that we don’t hold onto anything of the six senses- whatever we see hear smell taste touch or think we just appreciate it for what it actually is - we don’t “me” it and try to hold it fixed- we just let it come and go- we allow it to be born and die as it really is being born and dying moment by moment. This is really the kindest way to live and it is the only way to love: to let each thing really be what it is and then to let it go- to let it be free. To try to hold ourselves or our world or another person in place is impossible. Nothing can be held in place.
Life is very pressured, very stressful, very burdensome- and this is why- because we are trying mightily to hold in place what cannot be held in place, we are trying to preserve the unpreservable and fix the unfixable. Actually everything has integrity as it is; everything is surrounded by immense space: each of our thoughts, even our miseries, certainly trees and grasses, the sun and moon and clouds, our human body- everything passes and reappears as it is, all of it operating together in a marvelous harmony of freely passing by, if we will only let it, if we will only let go and allow it to be that way in the course of our living.
The life of letting go is the life of freedom, the life of nonattachment.
Nonattachment doesn’t mean we are distant from things or have no warmth or no care for things; the word nonattachment is good because it suggests some distance and in love there always has to be some distance- some spaciousness or openness. In ordinary everyday human life there is always some desire- if there weren't any desire there couldn't be any life. But if desire is held onto too strongly it becomes very confining. If there’s too much strongly held desire in our loving then our loving becomes confining too and soon it is no longer love, it turns into dependency, or even antipathy; real love has to have some distance in it, some nonattachment.
With the eye of nonattachment we can see that the object of our love can never be possessed, can never be held onto. When I say this maybe it seems tragic to you. In a way it is tragic, tragic if you don’t like it and you don’t want to accept it. But if you accept it you see that it is a good thing that we cannot possess or hold onto the object of our love: because if we could it would not really be a living being; it would only be our invention, and inventions are not lovable. Any living being needs its own integrity and its own freedom and spaciousness- so there has to be always some distance and nonattachment in loving. And desire, if you study it carefully and very closely, has this aspect to it: desire has spaciousness around it if you will allow it, if you don’t insist on crowding your desire too much.
We do crowd our desire as a rule, and then it becomes usually painful because it can never be fulfilled. This is what hungry ghosts are- beings who crowd their desires into a very tight corners and so experience the tremendous suffering of endless unsatisfiable desiring. All addictions are like this- this is the mind of addiction, the hungry ghost crowded desire mind. But if we practice letting go and open up space for our desire and for the object of our desire- allow our desire to be itself and then to go away and allow the object of our desire to be itself and then to go away then we really don't have to suffer and we can enjoy our desire and its object whether we satisfy our desire or not. Actually everything is already letting go- you and I are already let go. So there is no need to satisfy our desire. Sometimes when it is right for us to do so we do- but even then we don’t possess anything. We just enjoy something for a moment and then let it go. So desire can come up and it need not be a big problem."
http://www.everydayzen.org/teachings/talk_nonattachment.asp
There is a new world before me and in me each day. That is a simple yet profound reality. I can choose to clutch my yesterdays---my memories---my foundational principles; but, that "holding on" can often carry a tremendous burden of suffering with it. In such a context, everything I experience is reviewed in the light of what was, but what was is just a mere ghost. The act of "holding on" lies to you body and mind because it is not in the now. It has no real-time voice in the today.
It is strange to come into this awareness. It is a powerful reckoning that resembles the Transfiguration. All at once you know who you were, who you are, and who you will become in any course of action.
I think Western society has been blessed with tremendous material gain. Material gain is not alive, though. It is tangible and exchangable, and somewhat "giving," but it is also non-living. I wonder if it is not our fascination with this non-living entity that keeps us attached to absolutely every aspect of the universe and disallows much growth and development---growth and development that could bring Love and compassion into our individual and global spheres. [Growth and development that may not have reached its time! But, then who knows that much about time?]
As I study Eastern philosophy and/or religions, I am compelled to express how similar these idealogies are to my own "home grown" philosophy stemming from Christianity. I have these resounding lessons penetrating the rafters of my mind which originally said emphatically, "As a Christian I must die to my self. And as a Christian, I must recognize that my treasures are stored in heaven, not here on earth where the moths can eat them."
How is this not like letting go? How is this not nonattachment?
I am thirty seven. I have lived through and in many relationships. I have had 3-4 best friends. I have had many varied personalities I have attracted into my world...and just as many that I have repelled. I have had three major loves, and one minor love. Each person I have known---no matter how significant a part they played in my hours, days, nights, months or years, has brought me a myriad of gifts. I have learned from them. I have taught them. I have become myself through their mirroring and their shadows. My relationships are all that I AM.
Today,I am at a very new place. I mean, really, I am creating a whole new exciting pattern to engage and be in. It is an amazing place!
I have a friend that has been in my life for close to a year now. He makes me think a lot, and I feel that he "was sent" to me [and I was "sent to" him] {{And I use those terms SO very loosely.}} so that I can know and experience life very differently than I have known and experienced it before now. To date, I have been a pretty big attachment freak. I am not sure I understand why that is.
Is it because I came into being in a big family of attachers? Is it because I experienced dysfunctionality at a high level during my most formulative years? Is it because I was divinely placed so that attachment would be a growing point in this lifetime? I just don't know.
Nevertheless, it is interesting. This particular guy friend is consciousness that my consciousness has "known" before. [[For lack of better terminology!!!]] From the beginning of this time's intersection, I felt him deep inside me and it has been very alluring. I have not recognized this "consciousness" aspect in previous friendships; though in hindsight I can see, 20-20, several life connections that were in such a light. My Chris was one such life connection. Chris and I's souls felt inseparable. [They still do.]
My new friend guides me "subconsciously" through the corridors of light and living. He acts, speaks, does and doesn't do... and I follow him through the spaces just below the threshold of my being. [Occasionally I will go 180 degrees from him, but often, I just go his Way because somehow it feels like my Way as well.] Maybe it is just the Way. I don't know.
The two of us partake in an odd dance of connecting and letting go.
I think in the past, I would have dissolved any kind of friendship that caused me to work at this level of mental intensity---or, at the very least, I would have become ill. But, today, I am feeling up for such a challenge. Perhaps now I am living through everything that is not mind and so I am not so exhausted and overtaken. I am definitely not overwhelmed by the lack of attachment. I am, instead, curious. And I like to be curious. It is fun. [Yes, there are days of frustration as well. I haven't had enough experience with the art of letting go!]
I am reminded that I share the spaces of the world with all others. And I have learned through yoga and meditative exercises that breath is the most important function of the body because breath is life. [Though that is much easier to acknowledge than to live] My new relationship fosters my breath---my breathing---and additional space. I can feel myself attaching to that which I like and feel connected to, and then I breath and I am able to release and let go. It is quite exquisite. It is quite dynamic. [The catch is that by letting go, you actually release yourself into the Great I AM. You trust your eternal being.]
And as the breaths become more and more, and I become stronger and stronger, I am enlightened about a bigger view that I suddenly see. I am growing into all that IS. Nothing is mine. Yet, I AM all that IS. And I feel special and good and beautiful and full of Love. But, more importantly, I recognize the point of consciousness. Oneness.
My friend is just a nice man. [Well, he is not JUST anything!!!] He is unusual, yes...at least within my circles of recognition. And I enjoy that for sure! But, I do know that his collective consciousness remains from some distant world we once shared---or perhaps we will share---maybe both.
Consciousness always remains, and he and I live within the remainders. And the force that lies between us reminds me of that.
It is interesting to expand into that which is LIFE. I enjoy the knowing of living----the living of living. It is temporal and permanent all at once. Dismissing the mind---the manager of our experiences---brings us closer to the ethereal connections which are not in part at all. It is merely what we choose to see [even if our upbringing did the choosing for us]: PARTS. Love is not a culimation for it is not in part. It is the greatest state of being. It IS who we all are.
There is no need for attachment if we can widen our vision far enough to experience Forever. Forever brings our knowing into totality. Forever is the blink of an eye. [How is that for a profound paradox???]
I cannot know past this moment; and yet, I can know everything all at once.
So, here I am looking for nonattachment. Life is bringing me its fruits, its toils, and its barrenness one breath at a time. Everything is a blessing if you recognize Forever. And consciousness is just that! Resting in the knowledge that we are always all that we can be, enables us---no, empowers us---to paint a picture with our existence. Everything around us and in us gives us color, texture, rhythm, you name it! We just need to see life for what it IS.
I am thankful for the role that my guy friend is playing in my world. Without him, how long would I have had to wait to learn the treasures of nonattachment? I believe every person is uniquely and wonderfully made, so I must think that his presence in my here and now was perfectly planned, perfectly orchestrated. The very thought of that makes my eyes light up with joy and gratitude.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
The Art of Balance
"What I dream of is an art of balance, of purity and serenity devoid of troubling or depressing subject matter. "
---Henri Matisse
"If men would consider not so much where they differ, as wherein they agree, there would be far less of uncharitableness and angry feeling in the world."
---Joseph Addison
"Feelings are everywhere -- be gentle."
---J. Masai
This weekend I partook in a late night conversation that delved into the "delights" of men and women. [My poor brother was standing against three women...or so it seemed.] Curt and Brooke threw a party for a friend and when the party tapered off a neighbor woman stayed behind to talk and mingle some more. Many topics were discussed, but eventually the dialogue rounded over into the concept of men and women.
Lynn, the neighbor, began discussing her husband's lack of desire and motivation to manicure their lawn. She questioned Curt up and down about men's desires and motivations. It was a very long discussion. It ended at 1AM. I won't go into the details.
But, I am always caught these days in a point of frustration where men and women are concerned.
I am sure a lot of my dilemma lies in the fact that I no longer view men and women in such a black and white, traditional context. I believe in some sort of anima and animus which is alive in all people. And I believe everyone is conditioned to believe and react in some largely generalized manner. People are creatures of teaching, habit and influence.
I, for example, grew up in a household with a lot of male constructs. I had three older brothers, a frequently absent father, and a mother who didn't really know how to raise a daughter. I felt like a wild Indian when I was a child---before I was conditioned to think the Baxter Way. I ran around chasing my brothers and their friends to and fro. And yet, on the flip side of the coin, my mom did believe in an icon of femininity that she constantly called me out to be. I was her "Ruffles and lace." [I don't know that I was ever that!!!] She very much wanted me to be some ideal version of a girl. And I worked hard to become just that.
As I grew, I shifted from just chasing my brothers' friends to having mad crushes on them. And when I got to college, I chose young men to date based on their intelligence and their prowess. I selected young men from the database of my first mental model which was primarily designed from my original home life.
It is no wonder that as I became a young adult I floundered finding men that worked for me.
Once I "claimed" men for my very own, as many peoples do with lovers, I worked to convert them into obedient dilettantes of my liking. I did this for years! And when I got involved in the Christian Church after years of rebellion, I took things a step further. I determined to hitch myself to a spiritual leader---someone I could "willingly follow" as a husband.
It was all so disastrous!!!
I didn't realize that I was on a continuum. I listened to other people when I really needed to listen to my own heart. I had no idea how to listen to my heart. I just got pulled into the undercurrents of life until I just couldn't take anymore.
As I got older and older that original database became corroded and outdated. I was no longer a part of my primary family. The further out in age I got, the more I wanted different things from men.
And finally, I met my ex named Chris. He shattered that original database, altogether! He was so different from me. His mind went everywhere mine did not, and I liked that most of the time! It was exhilarating. Until, of course, it got to be overwhelming.
Listening to Lynn the other night made me reminisce about my discovery of personal expectations that we all initially "come to the table with." I heard her anxiety over her husband and his choices, and I couldn't help but think of what I was like at her age. I was three years into my relationship with Chris. Things were frequently painful. He saw things one way. I saw things another way. But, more than that, I didn't know much about my authentic self and its needs and wants.
I knew a lot about my myth of self.
I had no idea how to connect to my core. Page by page, Chris and I relationship came apart. But I grew into me, myself and I as a result. It was a tough trade-off. I lost Chris that year, but I found Joan. Yes, I miss him. A lot sometimes. Even today. However, I feel good about what I now have.
Chris taught me that men and women are not in compartments. Each person is an individual and with that individuality comes a plethora of possibilities. Men have the ability to cultivate femininity within their heart and souls. Women have the ability to cultivate masculinity within their mental, emotional and physical worlds. There is no end to the capacities of what men and women can become. There is no steadfast rule to either sex. There are too many variables.
There are distinct differences between the sexes because we are all separately made and groomed; but, there is so much common ground between the sexes, too.
It is the common ground I wish to concentrate on. It is the reality that men and women aren't as far apart as we think they are. Whenever I start to raise a question about men, I start by raising that same question about myself. In regard to Lynn's inquiries from the other night, I wanted to relate that the points of "weakness" she was pursuing in her line of questioning, were actually weaknesses in her own self. I don't mean that as abruptly as it might sound. I simply mean that the things and situations she was finding fault with could probably easily be found within her own psyche under different headings.
("In Jungian psychology, the shadow or 'shadow aspect' is a part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts. 'Everyone carries a shadow,' Jung wrote, 'and the less it is embodied in the individuals conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. As a consequence, the shadow is prone to project: turning a personal inferiority into a perceived moral deficiency in someone else. Jung writes that if these projections are unrecognized 'The projection-making factor (the Shadow archetype) then has a free hand and can realize its object---if it has one---or bring about some other situation characteristic of its power.' The projections insulate and cripple individuals by forming an even thicker fog of illusion between the ego and the real world. Jung also believed that 'inspite of its function as a reservoir for human darkness---or perhaps because of this---the shadow is the seat of creativity." [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_(psychology)])
I am not addressing the "what" of the conversation (i.e., manicuring the lawn). I am addressing the "how" of the conversation. The "what" could have been seen as a variable "x". Anything could have been substituted. The baseline of the complaint, however, was how selfish she perceived her husband to be---and, also, how slothful. She was tired of giving him perks (i.e., saying thank you for a job well done) when she felt like she never received perks.
We all have these traits in one context or another. Yes, the traits might show more strongly in certain contexts (yard care, car repair, etc.) if men are involved as opposed to women. But, we all have global weaknesses. It was the global weaknesses that I wanted to bring to light. Lynn's energy was filled with nervous and domineering anxiety. If I had to guess, I would say the root of the anxiety was that she needed assistance and she didn't feel like she was getting any from her husband. She selected an unmanicured lawn to be frustrated over.
We all get frustrated. We all need help. We all want a pat on the back every now and then. Lynn projected her most sensitive issues in the form of an argument about the lackadaisical attitudes of men. She was unable to see the same faults in herself.
I am not sure how to convey to each of us in the world that if we start by assessing ourselves when we get ready to jump down someone's throat---or even when we just start to fume internally about someone's disgressions, then we can slow ourselves down just enough for us to to possibly see a more compassionate, creative solution to the issue.
It begins with communication, I know. But, before we communicate to others, we need to communicate to ourselves. We need to get to the bottom of the situation. What are we feeling inside that is being neglected or hurt? Truthfully, if we look first to ourselves, we will be able to reach our hand out to the other person and figure out the bridge that resides between us.
Relationships don't normally come with written signs that tell us this or that. Relationships are an open venue with lots of guideposts along the the way. Soreness can be a reflection of some sort of early abandonment that got covered over. Again, the possibilities are endless! There is no straightforward key to the map. We must keep our eyes/feelings peeled for the guideposts. We must ask questions of ourselves and of others. Depending on the amount of dysfunctionality, we may need some outside intervention (e.g., a good and objective friend, a counselor, a stranger).
If we realize that the relationships we choose are mirroring devices, we can become adept at navigating through all our personal thickets. If we choose to concentrate on our differences, the road may be substantially less travelled and often quite difficult. Sometimes our soul desires that difficulty for its growth and development. Whatever the case, I hope we all can grow in love and compassion. I hope we can steer ourselves toward one another rather than away from one another. We are one. We always have been!
---Henri Matisse
"If men would consider not so much where they differ, as wherein they agree, there would be far less of uncharitableness and angry feeling in the world."
---Joseph Addison
"Feelings are everywhere -- be gentle."
---J. Masai
This weekend I partook in a late night conversation that delved into the "delights" of men and women. [My poor brother was standing against three women...or so it seemed.] Curt and Brooke threw a party for a friend and when the party tapered off a neighbor woman stayed behind to talk and mingle some more. Many topics were discussed, but eventually the dialogue rounded over into the concept of men and women.
Lynn, the neighbor, began discussing her husband's lack of desire and motivation to manicure their lawn. She questioned Curt up and down about men's desires and motivations. It was a very long discussion. It ended at 1AM. I won't go into the details.
But, I am always caught these days in a point of frustration where men and women are concerned.
I am sure a lot of my dilemma lies in the fact that I no longer view men and women in such a black and white, traditional context. I believe in some sort of anima and animus which is alive in all people. And I believe everyone is conditioned to believe and react in some largely generalized manner. People are creatures of teaching, habit and influence.
I, for example, grew up in a household with a lot of male constructs. I had three older brothers, a frequently absent father, and a mother who didn't really know how to raise a daughter. I felt like a wild Indian when I was a child---before I was conditioned to think the Baxter Way. I ran around chasing my brothers and their friends to and fro. And yet, on the flip side of the coin, my mom did believe in an icon of femininity that she constantly called me out to be. I was her "Ruffles and lace." [I don't know that I was ever that!!!] She very much wanted me to be some ideal version of a girl. And I worked hard to become just that.
As I grew, I shifted from just chasing my brothers' friends to having mad crushes on them. And when I got to college, I chose young men to date based on their intelligence and their prowess. I selected young men from the database of my first mental model which was primarily designed from my original home life.
It is no wonder that as I became a young adult I floundered finding men that worked for me.
Once I "claimed" men for my very own, as many peoples do with lovers, I worked to convert them into obedient dilettantes of my liking. I did this for years! And when I got involved in the Christian Church after years of rebellion, I took things a step further. I determined to hitch myself to a spiritual leader---someone I could "willingly follow" as a husband.
It was all so disastrous!!!
I didn't realize that I was on a continuum. I listened to other people when I really needed to listen to my own heart. I had no idea how to listen to my heart. I just got pulled into the undercurrents of life until I just couldn't take anymore.
As I got older and older that original database became corroded and outdated. I was no longer a part of my primary family. The further out in age I got, the more I wanted different things from men.
And finally, I met my ex named Chris. He shattered that original database, altogether! He was so different from me. His mind went everywhere mine did not, and I liked that most of the time! It was exhilarating. Until, of course, it got to be overwhelming.
Listening to Lynn the other night made me reminisce about my discovery of personal expectations that we all initially "come to the table with." I heard her anxiety over her husband and his choices, and I couldn't help but think of what I was like at her age. I was three years into my relationship with Chris. Things were frequently painful. He saw things one way. I saw things another way. But, more than that, I didn't know much about my authentic self and its needs and wants.
I knew a lot about my myth of self.
I had no idea how to connect to my core. Page by page, Chris and I relationship came apart. But I grew into me, myself and I as a result. It was a tough trade-off. I lost Chris that year, but I found Joan. Yes, I miss him. A lot sometimes. Even today. However, I feel good about what I now have.
Chris taught me that men and women are not in compartments. Each person is an individual and with that individuality comes a plethora of possibilities. Men have the ability to cultivate femininity within their heart and souls. Women have the ability to cultivate masculinity within their mental, emotional and physical worlds. There is no end to the capacities of what men and women can become. There is no steadfast rule to either sex. There are too many variables.
There are distinct differences between the sexes because we are all separately made and groomed; but, there is so much common ground between the sexes, too.
It is the common ground I wish to concentrate on. It is the reality that men and women aren't as far apart as we think they are. Whenever I start to raise a question about men, I start by raising that same question about myself. In regard to Lynn's inquiries from the other night, I wanted to relate that the points of "weakness" she was pursuing in her line of questioning, were actually weaknesses in her own self. I don't mean that as abruptly as it might sound. I simply mean that the things and situations she was finding fault with could probably easily be found within her own psyche under different headings.
("In Jungian psychology, the shadow or 'shadow aspect' is a part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts. 'Everyone carries a shadow,' Jung wrote, 'and the less it is embodied in the individuals conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. As a consequence, the shadow is prone to project: turning a personal inferiority into a perceived moral deficiency in someone else. Jung writes that if these projections are unrecognized 'The projection-making factor (the Shadow archetype) then has a free hand and can realize its object---if it has one---or bring about some other situation characteristic of its power.' The projections insulate and cripple individuals by forming an even thicker fog of illusion between the ego and the real world. Jung also believed that 'inspite of its function as a reservoir for human darkness---or perhaps because of this---the shadow is the seat of creativity." [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_(psychology)])
I am not addressing the "what" of the conversation (i.e., manicuring the lawn). I am addressing the "how" of the conversation. The "what" could have been seen as a variable "x". Anything could have been substituted. The baseline of the complaint, however, was how selfish she perceived her husband to be---and, also, how slothful. She was tired of giving him perks (i.e., saying thank you for a job well done) when she felt like she never received perks.
We all have these traits in one context or another. Yes, the traits might show more strongly in certain contexts (yard care, car repair, etc.) if men are involved as opposed to women. But, we all have global weaknesses. It was the global weaknesses that I wanted to bring to light. Lynn's energy was filled with nervous and domineering anxiety. If I had to guess, I would say the root of the anxiety was that she needed assistance and she didn't feel like she was getting any from her husband. She selected an unmanicured lawn to be frustrated over.
We all get frustrated. We all need help. We all want a pat on the back every now and then. Lynn projected her most sensitive issues in the form of an argument about the lackadaisical attitudes of men. She was unable to see the same faults in herself.
I am not sure how to convey to each of us in the world that if we start by assessing ourselves when we get ready to jump down someone's throat---or even when we just start to fume internally about someone's disgressions, then we can slow ourselves down just enough for us to to possibly see a more compassionate, creative solution to the issue.
It begins with communication, I know. But, before we communicate to others, we need to communicate to ourselves. We need to get to the bottom of the situation. What are we feeling inside that is being neglected or hurt? Truthfully, if we look first to ourselves, we will be able to reach our hand out to the other person and figure out the bridge that resides between us.
Relationships don't normally come with written signs that tell us this or that. Relationships are an open venue with lots of guideposts along the the way. Soreness can be a reflection of some sort of early abandonment that got covered over. Again, the possibilities are endless! There is no straightforward key to the map. We must keep our eyes/feelings peeled for the guideposts. We must ask questions of ourselves and of others. Depending on the amount of dysfunctionality, we may need some outside intervention (e.g., a good and objective friend, a counselor, a stranger).
If we realize that the relationships we choose are mirroring devices, we can become adept at navigating through all our personal thickets. If we choose to concentrate on our differences, the road may be substantially less travelled and often quite difficult. Sometimes our soul desires that difficulty for its growth and development. Whatever the case, I hope we all can grow in love and compassion. I hope we can steer ourselves toward one another rather than away from one another. We are one. We always have been!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Seeing things crystal clear...
"The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little." ---Thomas Merton
"What heals old traumas is a willingness to feel the old pain and breathe through it, and to take responsibility now for issues and experiences that couldn't be resolved in the past. Many well intentioned spiritual people make a crucial error: They pray or meditate to transcend or avoid feeling. If you use prayer or meditation in this way, you deny and suppress body experience that needs to be felt, celebrated, and welcomed into the wholeness of yourself. When you love your whole-body experience and accept what has happened in the past, then you can consciously decide how to design a life the way you want it now. When you develop a set of goals that stands in the present rather than in the past, you are pulled toward them rather than being pushed by the past."
p. 252-253, The conscious heart: seven soul-choices that inspire creative partnership, Kathlyn Hendricks and Gay Hendricks
"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. We'll that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down." ---Ray Bradbury
"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."
---Margaret Stortz
Somewhere along the "yellow brick road"we often "forget" to live our lives to the fullest. I am someone who has the ability to visualize goals that span very far and wide. By the same token, I have to stick my nose to the grind stone in order to make the visualizations manifest in the physical. And to boot, I, also, have a health disorder that creates a lot of tension between my visions and the steps I have to take; but, I do know how to set and achieve goals nevertheless.
Years ago I led a very regimented lifestyle involving my spirituality. During that time, I was continually blown away by my ability to "see" something in my future and then to subsequently make the vision manifest physically . I was surrounded by ripening fruit and I attributed everything to my faith. I would feel and see a dream in my mind's eye, and then I would step by step draw upon my inner strength to overcome any obstacles to create what I needed to create in order to make my life happen as I desired it to. I believed in the impossible and the impossible soon became the possible.
Many naysayers walked along my path. People often said things like, "Forget it! You'll never get there," "You'll never be offered a position in Hong Kong without overseas experience," and on and on... Well, I did get overseas to Hong Kong, and it didn't matter what they said. I did live my dreams to the fullest until I became ill and had to return home.
Upon return, I lost my strength bit by bit. I am not sure why. I definitely know how. But one day I woke up and all my dreams were gone. I lived in tremendous fear and hardship. I wandered around for a long period of time trying to re-find my Way. I tried this and that, and eventually I opened a "door" that I could step through and not stumble.
As time moved on, so did I. I experienced many challenges to overcome and most of them were not very easy to deal with. I call(ed) the challenges the "God Olympics!"
Many times in the last few years I have had conversations with friends about their hopes and dreams---their wants and desires---their needs; which, also, translated to my hopes, dreams, wants, desires and needs via projection of one sort or another. And too often I witnessed a poorly discerned plan of action. [Here is the trick! I can see my friends achieving their highest desires in my mind's eye; I can even see a plan to accomplish their best. But, my friends often cannot see past their front doorstep.] All at once life hatches a conundrum! "Who am I to tell them I know a Way for them???"
So as the conundrum grows, I, then, go about trying to convince my friend(s) of the Truth of the situation. And most of the time I fail miserably. Both of us end up flabbergasted or something.
My life reflects so little productivity of its own. How can I attain "gold" for my friends? [Actually...it is easier for all of us to "coach" rather than to employ our own life purposes. We have a sort of ariel view for others' paths. We can see rights and wrongs very simply---minus great amounts of indecision and emotion.]
Yet, sometime awhile back, I determined that it was time for me to execute my own plans and purposes, again; and to forgo my friends' paths unless they asked for assistance.
I began to listen to my own words that I spoke as 'wisdom' into my friends' lives. And then I began to write down the widsom and organize it. In a few short months, I changed a number of issues in my life. I was beginning to succeed, again. I was making new friends by joining some social organizations, I was creating works of art, and I was feeling better about myself. One foot in front of the other, I was beginning to make progress. Progress! How exciting!!!
I was struck by a thought from two or so years ago when I spoke to my friend, Brenda. The thought felt like lightening when I said it aloud the first time. She and I were discussing men. And I said something like, "If you do not find something acceptable in a friend, why would you find it acceptable in a potential mate? The bar is to have a friendship with a man like you have a friendship with woman." Men and women are not the same; but certainly, it must be possible to have some sort of congruent relationship. I believe it is plausible and feasible. I tire of people who say it is not.
As the seasons have passed, I haven't let go of my conversation with my friend, Brenda. I have held onto it for dear life and I have been steadily planting my feet upon the ground using my practices involving the chakra system so that I could manifest the fruit of what I believed.
As Thomas Merton said, our biggest "crunch" in life is that we are altogether too frequently drawn to the lowest denominator of what we can have and/or achieve. We have the ability to reach the heavens as God resides inside our heart. If we settle for anything less than our best, then we are failing to see our highest Truth. We are failing to be all that we can be. We are failing to allow God to be all that He IS.
I dig my feet in the dirt so that I experience the power from which I came---Mother Earth. I refuse to believe that men are incapable of deep relationships! As far as I am concerned, I believe I have seen my brothers and their friends active in strength, loyalty, and love for one another. I, also, once knew my childhood boy friends and the joyful and complete relationships we shared. Furthermore, my former love,Chris, was one of the most heartfelt men I have ever known.
Men can hit the bar. In fact, they can supersede women's shallow expectations for them and go far beyond the bar. I have seen men in movies about war brave death itself for the love of their people and their brethren next to them. American history is loaded with real examples of such valor. Men are not cold and brutal and without cause. Their blood courses with passion and life!
I wait to know those that will choose to supersede the lowest common denominator. I choose to know and accept that God, too, lives in the heart of men. I see glimpses of such beauty nearly every day. It serves no one to shoot for rock-bottom. It may feel easier at first, but in the end, it brings tremoring and pain.
"What heals old traumas is a willingness to feel the old pain and breathe through it, and to take responsibility now for issues and experiences that couldn't be resolved in the past. Many well intentioned spiritual people make a crucial error: They pray or meditate to transcend or avoid feeling. If you use prayer or meditation in this way, you deny and suppress body experience that needs to be felt, celebrated, and welcomed into the wholeness of yourself. When you love your whole-body experience and accept what has happened in the past, then you can consciously decide how to design a life the way you want it now. When you develop a set of goals that stands in the present rather than in the past, you are pulled toward them rather than being pushed by the past."
p. 252-253, The conscious heart: seven soul-choices that inspire creative partnership, Kathlyn Hendricks and Gay Hendricks
"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. We'll that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down." ---Ray Bradbury
"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."
---Margaret Stortz
Somewhere along the "yellow brick road"we often "forget" to live our lives to the fullest. I am someone who has the ability to visualize goals that span very far and wide. By the same token, I have to stick my nose to the grind stone in order to make the visualizations manifest in the physical. And to boot, I, also, have a health disorder that creates a lot of tension between my visions and the steps I have to take; but, I do know how to set and achieve goals nevertheless.
Years ago I led a very regimented lifestyle involving my spirituality. During that time, I was continually blown away by my ability to "see" something in my future and then to subsequently make the vision manifest physically . I was surrounded by ripening fruit and I attributed everything to my faith. I would feel and see a dream in my mind's eye, and then I would step by step draw upon my inner strength to overcome any obstacles to create what I needed to create in order to make my life happen as I desired it to. I believed in the impossible and the impossible soon became the possible.
Many naysayers walked along my path. People often said things like, "Forget it! You'll never get there," "You'll never be offered a position in Hong Kong without overseas experience," and on and on... Well, I did get overseas to Hong Kong, and it didn't matter what they said. I did live my dreams to the fullest until I became ill and had to return home.
Upon return, I lost my strength bit by bit. I am not sure why. I definitely know how. But one day I woke up and all my dreams were gone. I lived in tremendous fear and hardship. I wandered around for a long period of time trying to re-find my Way. I tried this and that, and eventually I opened a "door" that I could step through and not stumble.
As time moved on, so did I. I experienced many challenges to overcome and most of them were not very easy to deal with. I call(ed) the challenges the "God Olympics!"
Many times in the last few years I have had conversations with friends about their hopes and dreams---their wants and desires---their needs; which, also, translated to my hopes, dreams, wants, desires and needs via projection of one sort or another. And too often I witnessed a poorly discerned plan of action. [Here is the trick! I can see my friends achieving their highest desires in my mind's eye; I can even see a plan to accomplish their best. But, my friends often cannot see past their front doorstep.] All at once life hatches a conundrum! "Who am I to tell them I know a Way for them???"
So as the conundrum grows, I, then, go about trying to convince my friend(s) of the Truth of the situation. And most of the time I fail miserably. Both of us end up flabbergasted or something.
My life reflects so little productivity of its own. How can I attain "gold" for my friends? [Actually...it is easier for all of us to "coach" rather than to employ our own life purposes. We have a sort of ariel view for others' paths. We can see rights and wrongs very simply---minus great amounts of indecision and emotion.]
Yet, sometime awhile back, I determined that it was time for me to execute my own plans and purposes, again; and to forgo my friends' paths unless they asked for assistance.
I began to listen to my own words that I spoke as 'wisdom' into my friends' lives. And then I began to write down the widsom and organize it. In a few short months, I changed a number of issues in my life. I was beginning to succeed, again. I was making new friends by joining some social organizations, I was creating works of art, and I was feeling better about myself. One foot in front of the other, I was beginning to make progress. Progress! How exciting!!!
I was struck by a thought from two or so years ago when I spoke to my friend, Brenda. The thought felt like lightening when I said it aloud the first time. She and I were discussing men. And I said something like, "If you do not find something acceptable in a friend, why would you find it acceptable in a potential mate? The bar is to have a friendship with a man like you have a friendship with woman." Men and women are not the same; but certainly, it must be possible to have some sort of congruent relationship. I believe it is plausible and feasible. I tire of people who say it is not.
As the seasons have passed, I haven't let go of my conversation with my friend, Brenda. I have held onto it for dear life and I have been steadily planting my feet upon the ground using my practices involving the chakra system so that I could manifest the fruit of what I believed.
As Thomas Merton said, our biggest "crunch" in life is that we are altogether too frequently drawn to the lowest denominator of what we can have and/or achieve. We have the ability to reach the heavens as God resides inside our heart. If we settle for anything less than our best, then we are failing to see our highest Truth. We are failing to be all that we can be. We are failing to allow God to be all that He IS.
I dig my feet in the dirt so that I experience the power from which I came---Mother Earth. I refuse to believe that men are incapable of deep relationships! As far as I am concerned, I believe I have seen my brothers and their friends active in strength, loyalty, and love for one another. I, also, once knew my childhood boy friends and the joyful and complete relationships we shared. Furthermore, my former love,Chris, was one of the most heartfelt men I have ever known.
Men can hit the bar. In fact, they can supersede women's shallow expectations for them and go far beyond the bar. I have seen men in movies about war brave death itself for the love of their people and their brethren next to them. American history is loaded with real examples of such valor. Men are not cold and brutal and without cause. Their blood courses with passion and life!
I wait to know those that will choose to supersede the lowest common denominator. I choose to know and accept that God, too, lives in the heart of men. I see glimpses of such beauty nearly every day. It serves no one to shoot for rock-bottom. It may feel easier at first, but in the end, it brings tremoring and pain.
A continuation regarding listening skills...
I was flipping through one of my borrowed books this morning, and I came across a chapter called "Conscious Listening." [This is how my life tends to work...I come in contact with an idea and then the idea tends to grow and grow without my help.]"Conscious Listening" includes a number of listening commitments. Ironically the commitments run along the same lines of my blog about Co-creating. In Co-creating, I spoke of my fears regarding whole conversations between me and men being lost in translation. The listening commitments section breaks the listening process down even further than I broke it down in the Co-creating blog. I thought the list was good stuff, albeit difficult to employ I am sure!
"I commit to listening carefully enough that I can restate the content of what you have said without adding my view point to it."
"I commit to listening to the feelings embedded in your communication."
"I commit to listening in such a way that our mutual creativity is facilitated."
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you free of criticism [Criticism is defined as 'finding fault, censuring, disapproving.']"
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you free of evaluating either of us [Evaluating is defined as 'appraising, determining the worth of.']"
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you free of judging either of us as right or wrong, good or bad, smart or stupid."
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you free of comparing us to each other or anyone else. [Comparing is defined as bringing things together to ascertain their differences and similarities.]"
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you free from controlling the feelings, energies, or actions of either of us. [Controlling is defined as 'curbing, restraining, holding back, having authority over, directing or commanding.]"
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you with appreciation. [Appreciation is defined in two senses: 'sensitive awareness' and 'focus on positive qualities and attributes.']"
p. 262-263, The conscious heart: seven soul-choices that inspire creative partnership, Kathlyn Hendricks and Gay Hendricks
"I commit to listening carefully enough that I can restate the content of what you have said without adding my view point to it."
"I commit to listening to the feelings embedded in your communication."
"I commit to listening in such a way that our mutual creativity is facilitated."
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you free of criticism [Criticism is defined as 'finding fault, censuring, disapproving.']"
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you free of evaluating either of us [Evaluating is defined as 'appraising, determining the worth of.']"
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you free of judging either of us as right or wrong, good or bad, smart or stupid."
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you free of comparing us to each other or anyone else. [Comparing is defined as bringing things together to ascertain their differences and similarities.]"
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you free from controlling the feelings, energies, or actions of either of us. [Controlling is defined as 'curbing, restraining, holding back, having authority over, directing or commanding.]"
"I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you with appreciation. [Appreciation is defined in two senses: 'sensitive awareness' and 'focus on positive qualities and attributes.']"
p. 262-263, The conscious heart: seven soul-choices that inspire creative partnership, Kathlyn Hendricks and Gay Hendricks
Co-creating the world...
Friday, December 14, 2007
"In many cases what we love and admire about one another is startlingly similar to what we hate and fear. Women admire men's strength and capability, yet fear their power to control and dominate. Men love women's sensuality and effusiveness, yet fear their emotional and erotic power. Women love men's capacity for independence and self-reliance, yet hate their remoteness and inaccessibility. Men admire women's receptivity and love their gentleness, yet scorn them for being too emotional and overly sensitive. Women admire men's ability to focus, to be logical, and overcome fear in the face of danger, yet scorn them for their coldness and for not being in touch with their feelings. Men respect women for their commitment to caring and their nurturing power, then resent them for being smothering and invasive.
In certain arenas one sex may be a little more blessed with one ability or another. What we most admire in the other sex is when these blessings are used in the service of others. And what we hate most is when the same attributes, like physical strength in men or emotional power in women, are used to undermine or destroy others. It is not so much the possession of power we fear, or even the unequal distribution of it, but rather the abuse of power itself.
Our fears about the abuse of power are so great that both genders put energy into trying to diminish the power of the other, to render it smaller and less threatening. However, in order to meet the pressing challenges of present-day society, we need fully empowered men and women. We cannot afford to disempower or disenfranchise any woman or man of goodwill who has something to offer. Therefore, it is in our best interest to empower one another in a manner that can assuage, as much as possible, our fears about power itself."
p. 198-199, What women & men really want: Creating deeper understanding & love in our relationships, Aaron Kipnis and Elizabeth Herron
"Heaven forming each on other to depend, A master, or a servant, or a friend, Bids each on other for assistance call, Till one man's weakness grows the strength of all."Alexander Pope, Essay on man
Our hearts were made to be as One. How many years have people been treading the earth? Forever it seems! Since the dawning of Time, men and women have sought to understand one another.Viewing life from the Western Biblical perspective, woman was formed from the rib of man. Man and woman were one flesh from the very beginning ["the ribs protect your heart and lungs" http://hes.ucfsd.org/gclaypo/skelweb/skel01.html]. And despite the sad "tale" of the fall of man (and the betrayal of woman), a blessing came forth from the broken understanding and trust.Woman became independently "wealthy."
She had no memory of being made from man. She grew confident in her newly found roots of the earth. She trusted in the sexy, seductive serpent who would soon be bound to crawl upon its belly; she bit the forbidden fruit; and she discovered the beginning of independent thought. She became her own person.
Shortly thereafter, beckoned by his mate and "helper," man discovered an enticing love bathed in the metaphorical "honey" of the Divine. He willing tasted the sweetness of his woman's fruit and diminished his innocence and soiled his faith in Their God the Father . He learned humility and purpose as his mind became saturated with "stolen" knowledge. All at once he understood good and evil.And, in "richness" and penitence he reunited with his Mother Earth. His ashes were founded in the Truth of God's love and care. Dust was to dust. And, as the world was brought forth into light, so was he. His comfort was his toil---his daily work---that which would call him home every night and wake him every morn. His love for woman was the path toward excellence. Could he forget his shame of losing the "Heart of all that once was" [The Past, Eden no longer, Darkness known, Mystery gained] while knowing such pure ecstasy and pleasure?He would try. Every day, he would try! It was his holy burning passion for desire, healing and truth.
Woman, on the other hand, became wife, and as a wife she became a mother.Her husband was the protector of the flock, the hunter for food, the care taker of all. Simplicity fast became complexity as the world began to grow and change. Woman would discover the intricacies of living as a family and becoming a gatherer. And as with the biting of the forbidden fruit, the woman continued to know heavenly delight as it renewed itself in her with each child's birth. Pain followed, yes; but, more so, a glory that was God's: Creation made through her blood, sweat and tears.
Both man and woman have always known the worth of Divinity in Its Complete and utter splendor. God speaks to each being separately. He has never ceased to be the Lover of our souls. Each heart has been His since before time crept inward. And each heart has sought reconciliation and wholeness as he or she was able.
Today man and woman have merged and separated millions of times. Things aren't so simple between us. The complexities continued to mount beyond the lives of the world's first man and woman, Adam and Eve. The mystery of life got larger and larger until many religions and schools of thought resulted. But the "puzzle pieces" still exist; and they each seem to have a place---a very special place. Usually, we just have to look intently to find where they all go.
As a woman, I have experienced many converging and diverging viewpoints regarding my sexuality. And, I guess I am currently in a place that came about from my last love relationship.My former boyfriend, Chris, and I often talked about the roles that were forced upon us as we grew and came to be. I think from my perspective that the most impactful learning point for me with Chris was that his positions were as valid as my positions. It didn't matter what we were talking about. All that mattered was that what he thought was as important as what I thought. That was truly a revelation to me! It sure shouldn't seem that way, but before Chris I never gave a second thought to the fact that my traditions, feelings and general opinions were some how pedalsted to the top of my emotional hierarchy.I certainly listened to girl friends and family over the years; and, since Chris, I have come to realize that a woman's understanding of things is generally two-fold: First, a feminine perspective. Second, a Joan [or whomever] perspective.
My girl friends have quite often been very self-righteous about their opinions. I have witnessed many incidences of, "I am right. You are wrong. You change," between them and their lovers. Moreover, I have, also, observed many friends running rough shod over their boyfriends/lovers/husbands so that their views were accepted and utilized. But, my friends and family aren't the only ones, I have been a party to such actions as well. And in the end, I noticed that sometimes lovers shifted and/or changed. Sometimes lovers just left, or worse, turned emotionally inward.
Chris usually held firm to his belief that his thoughts and feelings were as important as mine, and I am thankful for that now. It was tough at the time. Yet, at this junction, I can now hear myself when I become self-important; and, when that occurs, I begin to shift my view toward the "whomever" that is involved.
It is hard to give up ground when your views are so strong and your feelings are so passionate. Afterall, "How could you be off the mark??? And indeed, were you off your mark?"But, as life has shown me, it is rewarding when I open myself to at least peruse the concept of accepting someone else's opinion---whether male or female.I do believe the process of opening oneself can involve a lot of frustration---especially if you see the world through a lens of black and white, or even rose. But, to help myself out, it is my perspective at 37 that it is a good thing to involve myself with someone whose opinions and views tend to be similar to my own.
Yes, duality creates slam jamming chemistry, but it can, also, create huge portions of heartache,disgust and stress. No, it isn't necessary to be the exact same; but, it can make things much more sublime to share modaltities of thought, and compatible measures of how to understand one another's feelings. There has to be some sort of bridge between our bodies, souls, spirits, and minds. It is important.
Yet, sometimes in life we do select another person to be with because our soul and/or spirit demands growth and empowerment.
We live in a millenia that allows for differences between the sexes. We can choose to adopt or discard our various roles. We can mix and match virtually any type of lifestyle. We have freedoms handed to us that many generations did not. And, our country is often very unique in that regard.But despite our individual expression of ourselves, it can still be especially frustrating when we encounter the opposite sex.
Men and women really do seem to be a separate species at times. And in my mind, it is uncanny how a man can completely "miss the boat" about some subject at hand...and of course, likewise, it can be just as uncanny when the "missing of the boat" is generated by a woman.
When I hear a man express himself, I take a mental note of how I am feeling, and then of what I am thinking. What, afterall, is the man saying, what am I experiencing as a result of him saying something, what am I hearing him saying, and are they all the same thing?
Uh...it is a lot to sense, observe and be aware of!!!
There are some subjects that are easier to navigate through than others---like what is for dinner. And some subjects are, also, inherent to me because I grew up with three brothers. But some subjects I just have to grit my teeth and then ask question after question in order to synthesize my thoughts with the man across from me [all the while hoping not to create some sort of disasterous explosion between us].However, the most important thing to me at the moment is to try to understand a man's thoughts as I understand my own.
It gets tricky because I may be trying to understand the man while he is taking for granted that I am just "getting it." Or I may be working too hard at understanding him and not really be listening to him.
It does seem that we have come very far communication-wise. But, when a man is in my presence, I always wonder, "How much is being lost in translation?"As a young woman, I lept head first into the world of young men. Part of the time I was this brazen female raised with robust and strong-minded boys. I outwardly looked like a gorgeous woman; but inwardly I was all over the map. I was smart and head strong. I was linear in my thoughts until my creativity would open wide and swing out as far as the eyes could see and the ears could hear. I was full of desire to dominate, capture and conquer whatever conquests came my way. I was hungry and full of passion! I was a girl who felt unsure of the power she wielded.
However, life has directed my footsteps over the years and so, now, I am rather cautious---thinking through almost every move---attempting to gain a strong sense of confidence. Once achieved, who knows! Until there, struggle, stress and even pain.I did chase after wonder as I grew into my current self. And, I believe that many men are a wonder that is layered and full. Each person's individual expressions can create such beauty and delight. They are majestic and trite all at once. I get lost in the soul of an unfamiliar guest.
Who is this guest? What does he think? How does he do? Where will he go? What does he want? What are his needs? Where do I fit?
This world calls for women to draw and quarter a "mate" before it is too late. The older we get, the worse the pressure to "pair off" gets.
I want something different. I want to sink myself into the mystery that lies before me. Not to conquer and to claim; but to experience all that I can experience. I wonder what the possibilities are? I fear rejection; but I must press on in the knowing. Men hold a special magic for me---they create a separate design to captivate my will and keep it spinning to and fro. I must go there. I must feel what there is to feel. Each heart I try, each mind I intercept gives me morsels of the heaven lost at Eden's gate.My desire is to expand myself into the One we have forgotten to be. My spirit waivers at the thought. My body denies its most precious truth. My soul forges ahead...pace by pace.
"In many cases what we love and admire about one another is startlingly similar to what we hate and fear. Women admire men's strength and capability, yet fear their power to control and dominate. Men love women's sensuality and effusiveness, yet fear their emotional and erotic power. Women love men's capacity for independence and self-reliance, yet hate their remoteness and inaccessibility. Men admire women's receptivity and love their gentleness, yet scorn them for being too emotional and overly sensitive. Women admire men's ability to focus, to be logical, and overcome fear in the face of danger, yet scorn them for their coldness and for not being in touch with their feelings. Men respect women for their commitment to caring and their nurturing power, then resent them for being smothering and invasive.
In certain arenas one sex may be a little more blessed with one ability or another. What we most admire in the other sex is when these blessings are used in the service of others. And what we hate most is when the same attributes, like physical strength in men or emotional power in women, are used to undermine or destroy others. It is not so much the possession of power we fear, or even the unequal distribution of it, but rather the abuse of power itself.
Our fears about the abuse of power are so great that both genders put energy into trying to diminish the power of the other, to render it smaller and less threatening. However, in order to meet the pressing challenges of present-day society, we need fully empowered men and women. We cannot afford to disempower or disenfranchise any woman or man of goodwill who has something to offer. Therefore, it is in our best interest to empower one another in a manner that can assuage, as much as possible, our fears about power itself."
p. 198-199, What women & men really want: Creating deeper understanding & love in our relationships, Aaron Kipnis and Elizabeth Herron
"Heaven forming each on other to depend, A master, or a servant, or a friend, Bids each on other for assistance call, Till one man's weakness grows the strength of all."Alexander Pope, Essay on man
Our hearts were made to be as One. How many years have people been treading the earth? Forever it seems! Since the dawning of Time, men and women have sought to understand one another.Viewing life from the Western Biblical perspective, woman was formed from the rib of man. Man and woman were one flesh from the very beginning ["the ribs protect your heart and lungs" http://hes.ucfsd.org/gclaypo/skelweb/skel01.html]. And despite the sad "tale" of the fall of man (and the betrayal of woman), a blessing came forth from the broken understanding and trust.Woman became independently "wealthy."
She had no memory of being made from man. She grew confident in her newly found roots of the earth. She trusted in the sexy, seductive serpent who would soon be bound to crawl upon its belly; she bit the forbidden fruit; and she discovered the beginning of independent thought. She became her own person.
Shortly thereafter, beckoned by his mate and "helper," man discovered an enticing love bathed in the metaphorical "honey" of the Divine. He willing tasted the sweetness of his woman's fruit and diminished his innocence and soiled his faith in Their God the Father . He learned humility and purpose as his mind became saturated with "stolen" knowledge. All at once he understood good and evil.And, in "richness" and penitence he reunited with his Mother Earth. His ashes were founded in the Truth of God's love and care. Dust was to dust. And, as the world was brought forth into light, so was he. His comfort was his toil---his daily work---that which would call him home every night and wake him every morn. His love for woman was the path toward excellence. Could he forget his shame of losing the "Heart of all that once was" [The Past, Eden no longer, Darkness known, Mystery gained] while knowing such pure ecstasy and pleasure?He would try. Every day, he would try! It was his holy burning passion for desire, healing and truth.
Woman, on the other hand, became wife, and as a wife she became a mother.Her husband was the protector of the flock, the hunter for food, the care taker of all. Simplicity fast became complexity as the world began to grow and change. Woman would discover the intricacies of living as a family and becoming a gatherer. And as with the biting of the forbidden fruit, the woman continued to know heavenly delight as it renewed itself in her with each child's birth. Pain followed, yes; but, more so, a glory that was God's: Creation made through her blood, sweat and tears.
Both man and woman have always known the worth of Divinity in Its Complete and utter splendor. God speaks to each being separately. He has never ceased to be the Lover of our souls. Each heart has been His since before time crept inward. And each heart has sought reconciliation and wholeness as he or she was able.
Today man and woman have merged and separated millions of times. Things aren't so simple between us. The complexities continued to mount beyond the lives of the world's first man and woman, Adam and Eve. The mystery of life got larger and larger until many religions and schools of thought resulted. But the "puzzle pieces" still exist; and they each seem to have a place---a very special place. Usually, we just have to look intently to find where they all go.
As a woman, I have experienced many converging and diverging viewpoints regarding my sexuality. And, I guess I am currently in a place that came about from my last love relationship.My former boyfriend, Chris, and I often talked about the roles that were forced upon us as we grew and came to be. I think from my perspective that the most impactful learning point for me with Chris was that his positions were as valid as my positions. It didn't matter what we were talking about. All that mattered was that what he thought was as important as what I thought. That was truly a revelation to me! It sure shouldn't seem that way, but before Chris I never gave a second thought to the fact that my traditions, feelings and general opinions were some how pedalsted to the top of my emotional hierarchy.I certainly listened to girl friends and family over the years; and, since Chris, I have come to realize that a woman's understanding of things is generally two-fold: First, a feminine perspective. Second, a Joan [or whomever] perspective.
My girl friends have quite often been very self-righteous about their opinions. I have witnessed many incidences of, "I am right. You are wrong. You change," between them and their lovers. Moreover, I have, also, observed many friends running rough shod over their boyfriends/lovers/husbands so that their views were accepted and utilized. But, my friends and family aren't the only ones, I have been a party to such actions as well. And in the end, I noticed that sometimes lovers shifted and/or changed. Sometimes lovers just left, or worse, turned emotionally inward.
Chris usually held firm to his belief that his thoughts and feelings were as important as mine, and I am thankful for that now. It was tough at the time. Yet, at this junction, I can now hear myself when I become self-important; and, when that occurs, I begin to shift my view toward the "whomever" that is involved.
It is hard to give up ground when your views are so strong and your feelings are so passionate. Afterall, "How could you be off the mark??? And indeed, were you off your mark?"But, as life has shown me, it is rewarding when I open myself to at least peruse the concept of accepting someone else's opinion---whether male or female.I do believe the process of opening oneself can involve a lot of frustration---especially if you see the world through a lens of black and white, or even rose. But, to help myself out, it is my perspective at 37 that it is a good thing to involve myself with someone whose opinions and views tend to be similar to my own.
Yes, duality creates slam jamming chemistry, but it can, also, create huge portions of heartache,disgust and stress. No, it isn't necessary to be the exact same; but, it can make things much more sublime to share modaltities of thought, and compatible measures of how to understand one another's feelings. There has to be some sort of bridge between our bodies, souls, spirits, and minds. It is important.
Yet, sometimes in life we do select another person to be with because our soul and/or spirit demands growth and empowerment.
We live in a millenia that allows for differences between the sexes. We can choose to adopt or discard our various roles. We can mix and match virtually any type of lifestyle. We have freedoms handed to us that many generations did not. And, our country is often very unique in that regard.But despite our individual expression of ourselves, it can still be especially frustrating when we encounter the opposite sex.
Men and women really do seem to be a separate species at times. And in my mind, it is uncanny how a man can completely "miss the boat" about some subject at hand...and of course, likewise, it can be just as uncanny when the "missing of the boat" is generated by a woman.
When I hear a man express himself, I take a mental note of how I am feeling, and then of what I am thinking. What, afterall, is the man saying, what am I experiencing as a result of him saying something, what am I hearing him saying, and are they all the same thing?
Uh...it is a lot to sense, observe and be aware of!!!
There are some subjects that are easier to navigate through than others---like what is for dinner. And some subjects are, also, inherent to me because I grew up with three brothers. But some subjects I just have to grit my teeth and then ask question after question in order to synthesize my thoughts with the man across from me [all the while hoping not to create some sort of disasterous explosion between us].However, the most important thing to me at the moment is to try to understand a man's thoughts as I understand my own.
It gets tricky because I may be trying to understand the man while he is taking for granted that I am just "getting it." Or I may be working too hard at understanding him and not really be listening to him.
It does seem that we have come very far communication-wise. But, when a man is in my presence, I always wonder, "How much is being lost in translation?"As a young woman, I lept head first into the world of young men. Part of the time I was this brazen female raised with robust and strong-minded boys. I outwardly looked like a gorgeous woman; but inwardly I was all over the map. I was smart and head strong. I was linear in my thoughts until my creativity would open wide and swing out as far as the eyes could see and the ears could hear. I was full of desire to dominate, capture and conquer whatever conquests came my way. I was hungry and full of passion! I was a girl who felt unsure of the power she wielded.
However, life has directed my footsteps over the years and so, now, I am rather cautious---thinking through almost every move---attempting to gain a strong sense of confidence. Once achieved, who knows! Until there, struggle, stress and even pain.I did chase after wonder as I grew into my current self. And, I believe that many men are a wonder that is layered and full. Each person's individual expressions can create such beauty and delight. They are majestic and trite all at once. I get lost in the soul of an unfamiliar guest.
Who is this guest? What does he think? How does he do? Where will he go? What does he want? What are his needs? Where do I fit?
This world calls for women to draw and quarter a "mate" before it is too late. The older we get, the worse the pressure to "pair off" gets.
I want something different. I want to sink myself into the mystery that lies before me. Not to conquer and to claim; but to experience all that I can experience. I wonder what the possibilities are? I fear rejection; but I must press on in the knowing. Men hold a special magic for me---they create a separate design to captivate my will and keep it spinning to and fro. I must go there. I must feel what there is to feel. Each heart I try, each mind I intercept gives me morsels of the heaven lost at Eden's gate.My desire is to expand myself into the One we have forgotten to be. My spirit waivers at the thought. My body denies its most precious truth. My soul forges ahead...pace by pace.
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