The Art of Balance

"What I dream of is an art of balance, of purity and serenity devoid of troubling or depressing subject matter. "


---Henri Matisse


"If men would consider not so much where they differ, as wherein they agree, there would be far less of uncharitableness and angry feeling in the world."


---Joseph Addison


"Feelings are everywhere -- be gentle."


---J. Masai





This weekend I partook in a late night conversation that delved into the "delights" of men and women. [My poor brother was standing against three women...or so it seemed.] Curt and Brooke threw a party for a friend and when the party tapered off a neighbor woman stayed behind to talk and mingle some more. Many topics were discussed, but eventually the dialogue rounded over into the concept of men and women.


Lynn, the neighbor, began discussing her husband's lack of desire and motivation to manicure their lawn. She questioned Curt up and down about men's desires and motivations. It was a very long discussion. It ended at 1AM. I won't go into the details.


But, I am always caught these days in a point of frustration where men and women are concerned.


I am sure a lot of my dilemma lies in the fact that I no longer view men and women in such a black and white, traditional context. I believe in some sort of anima and animus which is alive in all people. And I believe everyone is conditioned to believe and react in some largely generalized manner. People are creatures of teaching, habit and influence.



I, for example, grew up in a household with a lot of male constructs. I had three older brothers, a frequently absent father, and a mother who didn't really know how to raise a daughter. I felt like a wild Indian when I was a child---before I was conditioned to think the Baxter Way. I ran around chasing my brothers and their friends to and fro. And yet, on the flip side of the coin, my mom did believe in an icon of femininity that she constantly called me out to be. I was her "Ruffles and lace." [I don't know that I was ever that!!!] She very much wanted me to be some ideal version of a girl. And I worked hard to become just that.


As I grew, I shifted from just chasing my brothers' friends to having mad crushes on them. And when I got to college, I chose young men to date based on their intelligence and their prowess. I selected young men from the database of my first mental model which was primarily designed from my original home life.


It is no wonder that as I became a young adult I floundered finding men that worked for me.

Once I "claimed" men for my very own, as many peoples do with lovers, I worked to convert them into obedient dilettantes of my liking. I did this for years! And when I got involved in the Christian Church after years of rebellion, I took things a step further. I determined to hitch myself to a spiritual leader---someone I could "willingly follow" as a husband.

It was all so disastrous!!!

I didn't realize that I was on a continuum. I listened to other people when I really needed to listen to my own heart. I had no idea how to listen to my heart. I just got pulled into the undercurrents of life until I just couldn't take anymore.


As I got older and older that original database became corroded and outdated. I was no longer a part of my primary family. The further out in age I got, the more I wanted different things from men.


And finally, I met my ex named Chris. He shattered that original database, altogether! He was so different from me. His mind went everywhere mine did not, and I liked that most of the time! It was exhilarating. Until, of course, it got to be overwhelming.

Listening to Lynn the other night made me reminisce about my discovery of personal expectations that we all initially "come to the table with." I heard her anxiety over her husband and his choices, and I couldn't help but think of what I was like at her age. I was three years into my relationship with Chris. Things were frequently painful. He saw things one way. I saw things another way. But, more than that, I didn't know much about my authentic self and its needs and wants.


I knew a lot about my myth of self.


I had no idea how to connect to my core. Page by page, Chris and I relationship came apart. But I grew into me, myself and I as a result. It was a tough trade-off. I lost Chris that year, but I found Joan. Yes, I miss him. A lot sometimes. Even today. However, I feel good about what I now have.


Chris taught me that men and women are not in compartments. Each person is an individual and with that individuality comes a plethora of possibilities. Men have the ability to cultivate femininity within their heart and souls. Women have the ability to cultivate masculinity within their mental, emotional and physical worlds. There is no end to the capacities of what men and women can become. There is no steadfast rule to either sex. There are too many variables.

There are distinct differences between the sexes because we are all separately made and groomed; but, there is so much common ground between the sexes, too.


It is the common ground I wish to concentrate on. It is the reality that men and women aren't as far apart as we think they are. Whenever I start to raise a question about men, I start by raising that same question about myself. In regard to Lynn's inquiries from the other night, I wanted to relate that the points of "weakness" she was pursuing in her line of questioning, were actually weaknesses in her own self. I don't mean that as abruptly as it might sound. I simply mean that the things and situations she was finding fault with could probably easily be found within her own psyche under different headings.

("In Jungian psychology, the shadow or 'shadow aspect' is a part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts. 'Everyone carries a shadow,' Jung wrote, 'and the less it is embodied in the individuals conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. As a consequence, the shadow is prone to project: turning a personal inferiority into a perceived moral deficiency in someone else. Jung writes that if these projections are unrecognized 'The projection-making factor (the Shadow archetype) then has a free hand and can realize its object---if it has one---or bring about some other situation characteristic of its power.' The projections insulate and cripple individuals by forming an even thicker fog of illusion between the ego and the real world. Jung also believed that 'inspite of its function as a reservoir for human darkness---or perhaps because of this---the shadow is the seat of creativity." [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_(psychology)])


I am not addressing the "what" of the conversation (i.e., manicuring the lawn). I am addressing the "how" of the conversation. The "what" could have been seen as a variable "x". Anything could have been substituted. The baseline of the complaint, however, was how selfish she perceived her husband to be---and, also, how slothful. She was tired of giving him perks (i.e., saying thank you for a job well done) when she felt like she never received perks.


We all have these traits in one context or another. Yes, the traits might show more strongly in certain contexts (yard care, car repair, etc.) if men are involved as opposed to women. But, we all have global weaknesses. It was the global weaknesses that I wanted to bring to light. Lynn's energy was filled with nervous and domineering anxiety. If I had to guess, I would say the root of the anxiety was that she needed assistance and she didn't feel like she was getting any from her husband. She selected an unmanicured lawn to be frustrated over.

We all get frustrated. We all need help. We all want a pat on the back every now and then. Lynn projected her most sensitive issues in the form of an argument about the lackadaisical attitudes of men. She was unable to see the same faults in herself.

I am not sure how to convey to each of us in the world that if we start by assessing ourselves when we get ready to jump down someone's throat---or even when we just start to fume internally about someone's disgressions, then we can slow ourselves down just enough for us to to possibly see a more compassionate, creative solution to the issue.

It begins with communication, I know. But, before we communicate to others, we need to communicate to ourselves. We need to get to the bottom of the situation. What are we feeling inside that is being neglected or hurt? Truthfully, if we look first to ourselves, we will be able to reach our hand out to the other person and figure out the bridge that resides between us.

Relationships don't normally come with written signs that tell us this or that. Relationships are an open venue with lots of guideposts along the the way. Soreness can be a reflection of some sort of early abandonment that got covered over. Again, the possibilities are endless! There is no straightforward key to the map. We must keep our eyes/feelings peeled for the guideposts. We must ask questions of ourselves and of others. Depending on the amount of dysfunctionality, we may need some outside intervention (e.g., a good and objective friend, a counselor, a stranger).

If we realize that the relationships we choose are mirroring devices, we can become adept at navigating through all our personal thickets. If we choose to concentrate on our differences, the road may be substantially less travelled and often quite difficult. Sometimes our soul desires that difficulty for its growth and development. Whatever the case, I hope we all can grow in love and compassion. I hope we can steer ourselves toward one another rather than away from one another. We are one. We always have been!